The Cake is a Lie Page 8

  “Aw tight” Kace replied hollowly, like he’d stopped paying attention to me before I began.

  “Well before you go aren’t you gonna let me and Timy hit the half gal?” Kace directed the question to me but I took the easy way out and looked at Brandon, I wasn’t going to say no to him, and technically the half gal was Brandon’s.

  “Ya definitely,” Brandon responded.

  Goddamnit Brandon, I yelled inside my head.

  17. Jordan Gillete’s Party

  Brandon, Tim, Kace and I were standing in a circle in the secret space between the local elementary school fence and the surrounding mounds of blackberry bushes. Jonsen didn’t want Brandon and me getting drunk at his house in case we got sick or hurt so it was a practical, discrete spot for us to drink on our way to Jordan’s party. On the ground a crushed McDonald’s Apple Pie case and beer can alerted me that homeless people might hangout back here.

  Brandon took the half gallon out of his backpack and opened the top. Slightly shivering from excitement and nervousness, I was glad Brandon had to go first. In an attempt to appear badass. Brandon didn’t waste any time, he put the bottle quickly to his lips and tilted it upward. He held it there for a second before aborting abruptly. He did his best to hide his discomfort but his whole face turned red and finally he bent over and started coughing up phlegm on his hands and knees. For a second we all assumed he was gonna throw up. Kace and Tim started cracking up.

  “Dude’s gonna get sooo faded.” Tim commented.

  “Damn, remember those days Timy? Straight faded,” Kace agreed, somewhere between lamenting and bragging. “Wanna show em how it’s done, Timy W?” Kace asked Tim, provocatively waving the bottle at him.

  I hated that word, “faded,” it was so dumb, they thought they were the shit just because they said, “faded.”

  Tim took the half gallon and put it to his mouth, Kace started counting. I watched Tim’s adam’s apple move in and out in awe as he took huge gulps.

  “1, 2, 3,” Kace counted slowly.

  Tim finally put it down, letting out a big “Woooeee son.”

  “That’a boy kid,” Kace praised him. “That’s how you take a swig right there son.”

  Kace went next. I was wound up with anticipation like a 6 year old right before his turn in show and tell. What was I going to do when all eyes were on me?

  “So there’s gonna be hella girls at Jordan Gillette’s party, huh?” Kace asked after he hit it, looking intimidatingly at me as I took the bottle. I spent hours every week fantasizing about fighting Kace. Triumphantly kicking his ass against all odds in front of our entire school. In reality, I never made so much as the slightest impolite gesture towards him. I fought him the only way I knew how, with kindness, the utmost friendliness, no matter how clear he made it that he didn’t like me at all.

  “Yep” I said with a big smile. As if to show him that yes, I like girls too, we have so much in common.

  “We should roll with them, Tim,” Kace said.

  Oh noo, I thought, they can’t come, they’re going to steal all the girls.

  “Ya, definitely you should,” Brandon chimed in with a new found composure, somewhat standing up straight again, still clearly recovering from his ordeal.

  Everyone was waiting for me, I took off the bottle cap and smelled inside, it reeked, my stomach scrunched up into a ball just smelling it.

  “Let’s do the damn thing” I said, it’s my favorite bump up phrase. I’d stolen it from Loren, the last time I saw him he said it like 5 times. I plugged my nose. The grand idea I came up with while waiting my turn was to plug my nose. With my other hand grasping the half gallons neck I pushed the bottle high into the air and went for it. I powered through a big gulp before feeling like I had to throw up. I closed my mouth and paused for a few seconds with the liquor resting against my lips, weathering the immediate storm. I didn’t puke, barely, and I started to get used to the nauseating burning after-taste in my throat and mouth. It wasn’t nearly as bad the second time around.

  Soon I felt, I felt different. I just kept thinking, I feel, I feel, I feel… What was I thinking? I can’t remember…I’m finally drunk, without a doubt I’m finally actually drunk. This realization filled me with joy. I should go jump in that bush over there, I thought excitedly, that’d be so funny.

  Laying in the pokey bed of a half broken bush made me feel even better. I could do anything. I breathed in the air like I’d never breathed the air before. Being drunk was better than I ever imagined. Kace and Tim had known years before anyone.

  Our group headed off into the dimming summer night, we had a long way to go. Jordan lived in Innis Arden, one of Richmond Beach’s richer and nicer sister neighborhoods. I didn’t know where her house was but Brandon led us onward. The summer air tasted like happiness. I ran ahead through the night until I flopped down in the middle of someone’s nice lawn to catch my breath. Then I thought of Bree and jumped up and ran back to herd on Brandon, Kace and Tim, who kept stopping to take pisses that took forever. If there’s a heaven it will be letting me go back to that evening running drunk for the first time through those suburban streets. You could spend the rest of your life drinking and never be so happy.

  Straight faded, I thought, over and over with a big grin, I’m straight faded.

  It was fully dark when we finally arrived at Jordan’s. Sitting on top of Kace’s bike’s handlebars Brandon pointed out her big round-a-bout driveway. Kace and Brandon had been acting buddy-buddy the whole way. They had a class together and did their whole “chill off” thing when they were together, talked about shoes, “Ya man those new Airwalks are sic.” I didn’t even care, I didn’t even care that Kace and Tim might steal Brandon and Bree from me, whatever, on the other hand everyone was going to see me hanging out with Kace and Tim.

  We turned down the driveway and saw a bustling group of kids standing around in circles outside of Jordan’s house waiting to be picked up. The party was over. Everyone saw us approaching and soon two figures ran towards us. It was Jordan and Lita. Lita jumped into Tim’s arms while Jordan and Brandon embraced for a long childhood friends moment. Brandon even picked Jordan up and swung her around.

  When he set her back down she grabbed him by the shoulders and theatrically shook him, “How come you didn’t come to my party?” She whined playfully, pretending to be angry, gently banging her fists on Brandon’s chest. Jordan had an obvious crush on any good looking guy. What a slut. I looked at Lita, she was so beautiful, Tim was so lucky.

  “Where were you?” Lita asked.

  We were all mysteriously silent for too long.

  “Just kickin’ it,” Kace finally responded.

  “Have you been drinking?”

  “No,” Tim replied with an attitude, as if Lita was dumb for asking that.

  “Look you guys should go before my parents get mad,” Jordan said. A car pulled into the big round-a-bout driveway prompting us to all move out of the way.

  “Fine, we’ll just chill right here in the street then.” Brandon said defiantly. Brandon absolutely couldn’t stand parental authority. Everyone laughed.

  As they continued to talk I slowly and inconspicuously positioned myself behind Jordan and Lita’s backs. I locked my joints stiff like a tin man to limit any unnecessary motion and started sneaking towards the crowd outside Jordan’s house. Any parent with half a brain could tell Tim and Kace, with their butts hanging out were bad news. But the hell if I was being kept out of the party. I was a good kid, I would talk the shit out of any parent.

  Jordan’s house was a mansion. I saw Bree standing around talking with some tall curly haired band nerd. I ran up behind her and picked her up by her waist.

  She went bananas. “Marco.” She screamed, “Marco.” We stared fondly at each other. Bree’s fine, straight blond hair was innocently tied back in a purple bow. She was the tiniest bit chubby, but her developed breasts made up for it. She had the mischievous eyes I went crazy for.

  “Where were
you?” She asked.

  I looked over her shoulder at the tall, curly haired band nerd left standing alone by himself. He was so pissed. He hates me, I thought. I knew that feeling so well. What a goober.

  “Kace, Brandon and Tim were taking forever.” I responded.

  “Everyone’s saying you guys were drinking,” Bree said. “Are you drunk?”

  “No,” I didn’t sell it though, I smiled with a big suspicious grin instead. I wanted her to know.

  “Did you see the band play?”

  We stood face to face and made awkward small talk for a few minutes before her and her friend’s ride pulled up. After they all pile in the minivan I ran back to the street. Tim, Lita, Jordan and Brandon were watching Kace ride his bike in a circle.

  I put my arm around Brandon’s shoulder. “How are we gonna get home?” He asked wearily.

  “I’ll call my mom and tell her Jordan’s party is over, Allan will come pick us up,” It was all part of the plan.

  18. Soiree at Benny Reed’s (Summer, 2003)

  Brandon and I barreled through Benny’s front door as he opened it. The summer before 9th grade started last week and today was the first day of Benny’s open house. Benny had been hyping up his weeklong open house for over a month and it’d worked, the anticipation had built to unbearable levels. Brandon and I headed straight for the liquor cabinet.

  Eighth grade had passed rather routinely. We got high on weekends, drunk once a month. Brandon shocked the world and stone coldly broke Sarah’s heart because she wouldn’t have sex with him. He just stopped returning her calls and she got the message eventually.[5] The biggest event was Brandon’s adoption of another desperate stray into our mismatched group: Benny Reed. Benny and Brandon had been friends in grade school, but during the transition to middle school Benny had become very serious with Tonya, a cute girl from their 6th grade class. Consequently, Benny spent most of 7th grade in relationship obscurity, spending all his time cuddling and holding hands with her everywhere around school. Benny and Tonya were one of our 7th grade classes’ few couples. Whenever you saw them together you were disgusted by their endless PDA, but also amazed that dorky scrawny Benny Reed was able to land beautiful sweet Tonya. The love birds split once 8th grade started. Benny the casanova didn’t want to be tied down anymore. But breaking off the engagement meant Benny was left with less guy friends than a Beta fish.

  Fortunately for Benny, Brandon always resented the fact that he lost a lot of his Syrie friends during the transition to middle school. He’d even lost two “best friends for life” to the skater crew. Brandon had grand schemes to get them all back. So Brandon took Benny under his wing. I was less-than-thrilled once it became clear what was going on.

  [5] Breaking up with Sarah was one of the worst mistakes Brandon made in his entire life. Sarah Faith Hall is living proof of the messy unfinished business of real life. She was so perfect and our meeting had been so random and magical that I spent my entire youth certain I was going to be with her. I kept in touch with her for a long time. I actually had some windows after highschool that I f-ed up epically by saying really stupid things like “Ya, I def think I could cheat on Emma” or “I’m working on a book about Jesus being reborn in a third world country.” It doesn’t matter anyways because Sarah and I are not meant to be. Her family is devout evangelical Christian Republicans and as she grew up those values became more and more important to her. Plus, she wants nothing more than to be a mother. Her body also shifted over the years to resemble a pear. Not that you still wouldn’t be tempted to overlook every single one of these things and date her if you knew her growing up.

  “Guys my mom’s going to suspect something” Benny whined from behind us as we began inspecting the bottles. I liked just looking at all the bottles, straight mesmerizing.

  Benny was hardly super special. Skinny, medium height, he had a scrunched weasel face but his chin and jaw were well rounded so it created the illusion that he was handsome. His hair was nauseatingly gelled up in the front like a duck’s butt. No, Benny wasn’t my favorite, but I wasn’t obviously rude to him, I knew how much that hurt. I was the opposite, suspiciously too nice.

  “Yo Benny, what’s up man, how’s life?”

  Benny looked anxious, he was just one of those people. His room was OCD organized. He’d use popular phrases like “What up? What up?” and “Dawg that shit’s so tight,” but he’d say them with a split second hesitation, as if he was sure one of us was going to say, “Benny you’re such a poser.”

  “Relax man, your mom won’t notice” Brandon said in his best reassuring voice.

  “You’ve already watered down the Schnapps one third of the way.” Benny argued back.

  Brandon and I rolled our eyes at each other. The Schnapps was our favorite.

  “Fine we won’t drink the Schnapps, Benny.”

  “Drink the gin.” Benny commanded.

  Silence. The gin was gross. Brandon and I protested by not responding.

  “How about the vodka?” Brandon finally countered.

  “You said you wouldn’t drink anymore of the Vodka.” Benny was getting heated. Heated was my new favorite slang word.

  A showdown ensued. Brandon and Benny were both the controlling types. In my opinion Benny was dumb for pimping out his open house for a month and then completely becoming a pussy the day of.

  “If I say you can’t have any you can’t have any.” I was amazed Benny was standing up to Brandon. How quickly the ‘Yes Man’ had forgotten his place. Brandon was our god, without him we were groupless. But Benny’s open house did give him some leverage. The argument escalated to a level I was uncomfortable with so I stepped in to play peacemaker.

  “Hey, everybody chill,” I interjected to get their attention. “Come on, Benny, pleassse make us some drinks, like those bomb ones you made that one time,” I said in a begging, playful voice. I really couldn’t stand fighting. What Benny really wanted was to be included.

  Brandon picked up on my lead, “Ya Benny, make us something with the Vodka.”

  “Alright fine.” Benny agreed after weighing his options for a moment. I was a genius.

  “My cousin taught me how to make the best vodka orange juices ever, this is gonna be awesome.” Benny opened the fridge and started scanning the shelves. His demeanor changed from genuinely upset to excited and pumped way too quickly for my taste.

  He’s so fake, I thought, he’s always worried, just like our society wants you to be.

  Brandon and I would try and help him chill out, learn to relax. We’d get him high with us but he’d always make such a big deal out of it. He’d say shit like “Oh my god guys this is soo awesome,” all night. Brandon and I were way past that stage.

  As Benny juiced some oranges, he rambled on about how tight his older cousin was.

  “When are the girls coming?” I asked Benny excitedly.

  “I just called Oakley,” He replied, “They just left.”

  It turned out Oakley was a great friend to have. Brandon, Tysen, Brian and I would spend the night at Benny’s house and chat online for hours, huddled around the computer, roaring out what we should type next. Oakley was one of our favorites, her AIM username was bubblebuttxxo, because apparently she had a bubble butt. I’d never heard that term before, it sounded soo stupid, who cared about a butt anyways? I didn’t. Oakley would talk to us about anything, but our favorite topic was masturbation. Asking girls if they’d masturbated was my go-to question to put some tension in the air, make them squirm. Girls usually handled the question like “no biggie.” Yes or no, prudes or sluts. We’d asked Oakley if she masturbated and she’d answer “All the time,” completely nonchalantly. Girls who played along were so much more interesting than the prudes. It was so exhilarating to hear a girl talk openly and confidently about her body and her urges.

  Holding our Winnie the Pooh cups, Brandon, Benny, and I stood around in Benny’s living room impatiently peering out his front window, anticipating a sighting of Oakl
ey and Elle. My stomach started going all roller-coaster.

  We’d talk with Oakley on the phone late into the night, “If you touch yourself all the time, then do it for us now, Oakley, it’s no biggie.”

  “Haha,” Time would freeze for the pauses that followed her laughter. “Ok.”

  We’d listen to Oakley’s raspy moans while we all silently jump around the room ecstatically, fighting each other for a turn to hold the phone.

  We each knew a few girls we could call and play the same game with. Your contact list of girls you could call at night was an important asset at an 8th grade sleepover. My prize was a bomb Edmonds woodway super slut, Tiff Starr. We’d met at tennis class. She was always bragging about how sexually active she was, she’d told me that one time she jerked off six guys in her basement. It was appalling and thrilling at the same time. Tiff was always down to talk with us late into the night, listening to us pester her about her dildos and vibrators. [6][7]

  I went to Benny’s bathroom. I checked my hair, I’d been growing out a shag just like Loren, it was halfway down my neck. I’d upgraded from my sweater vest to a grey, puffy, zip-up vest. I loved pairing it with long sleeved shirts. Especially long sleeved shirts with color contrasting collars. It created the perfect three layered effect around my neck when I zipped down the vest a quarter of the way. I checked my jean sagging length, you could just see a sliver of my checkered red boxers between my jeans and vest. Perfect.

  I took one last glance in the mirror and really looked at myself. One of my favorite rituals. I looked and reminded myself how lucky I was to be alive, how I’d beat out all those other millions of sperm. I’d never had to worry about when I would eat next. I’d think about how lucky I was to be healthy, to not have to live with chronic pain. I thought about the children dying of fever around the world, working in sweat shops. With these realizations spinning, I brought up my hand and watch as I controlled it, slowly moving it around, clenching a fist, in awe at life like a newborn. Then, I flushed the unopened toilet and went back to join Brandon and Benny in the living room.