The Cake is a Lie Read online

  By the time lunch came around I’d learned my place in the world. Jonsen finally appeared. He was standing at the top of the rec hall stairs, talking with the three other coolest 7th graders. Kace Rogers, Tim Wright and Derren Martin-Farrell—DMF for short. They were all sagging their jeans to their knees, daringly hanging their butts out into their boxers.

  Kace was famous for putting a bag of weed and a pipe in his cubby, in his grade school cubby! Kace and DMF were tall like Jonsen. There are very few indicators of class as distinct as height amongst preteen boys. Tim was Kace’s prepubescent right hand man. They were all good looking. I watched them in all their glory. As they talked they made sure to laugh loudly so the whole hall could hear them. They jumped on each other, play punched each other.

  Jonsen was hitting on every girl that walked by, he didn’t give an f. He was even hitting on the quiet nerd girls.

  “Sup chicas? My name’s Jonsen Palmer, I do what my name specifies.” The shy girls didn’t even make eye contact as they cowered and scurried by.

  Then the next group came along “Girl I’m the clit commander. I love you long time.”

  The girls had no idea what to do, half laugh, half just kept their head down and ignored it.

  Some actually tried talking with him. I felt bad for those ones, they actually thought maybe they could tame him. It was all so wild, I stared in fascination. Whatever happened they laughed it off and moved on to the next group coming by. Jonsen had found his zone, high on unlimited confidence. Unleashed upon the world.

  I’d once asked my brother for advice in getting a girl I had a crush on. He’d told me very self-assuredly “Marco, it’s all about being confident in yourself. The best part is you don’t even have to back it up with anything. Who can back up anything anyways? Everyone’s so anxious and self-conscious. You’ll realize that as you get older. It’s not about your haircut, it’s about how you wear it.”

  But watching Jonsen in the hallway I came to my own realization that my brother was wrong. There was no faking that, what Jonsen had. Jonsen’s confidence was a monument, built out of a thousand small incremental baby blocks of overwhelming positive feedback. The pure oozing stuff.

  Jonsen and I hadn’t hung out in weeks, he’d been spending all his time with Kace and Tim. He was clearly doing fine with his new “best friends.” I was mad, but I understood. That day I wouldn’t dare to go near Jonsen at Einstein, definitely not after the Robin incident.

  Still unwilling to be seen with anyone not cool I frantically pretended to speed walk somewhere very importantly until I finally escaped to the bathroom. I sat in the stall and open up my back pack and took out my sack lunch. I dwelled in the stinging pain and took small munches of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich as the bread soaked up my tears. Eventually I found a new resolve. A deep down faith that one day I was going to be popular.

  When the last bell finally rang I joined one of the current of students heading towards the buses. I just wanted to go home to my afternoon cartoons and cereal and not think for the rest of the day.

  “MARCOO..” I heard loud voices howling at me. I looked over to see Mark, Chis and Morris all waving and smiling at me from the side of the hallway. I stood dead still but my heart began trying to run away through my intestines. I walked over to them a condemned man.

  Mark did the talking. “So Marco… Have you talked to your friend about our money?”

  He smirked every time he mockingly used my name. As if to say, “Why do I know your lowly name, bitch?” It was a great smirk, he used just the right amount of teeth and looked away from you at all the right moments.

  Big Chris was just standing by Mark’s side with a big goofy, maniacal grin on his face.

  “He’s not answering my calls,” I responded meekly. I acted scared, lowly. I slouched and kept my eyes low in an attempt to show them that I knew they were better than me. Hopefully that offering would be enough and they wouldn’t give me a swirly.

  “Well dawg, you gotta pay for your friend, Marco.” Mark talked as if whatever he said was final because he was just better. They’re straight up bullies, I thought. I was stunned people like them actually existed.

  “I didn’t go anywhere near that scooter,” Was the only thing I had left to say. The hallway was almost clear now, I was definitely going to miss the bus. They must not ride the bus. My consciousness squirmed and wailed, unwilling to come to terms with the fact that I was actually going to be canned on the first day of Middle School.

  “What up?” Out of nowhere, Jonsen was all of a sudden standing beside me, standing straight up. He normally had a slight slouch, he looked an inch or two taller standing straight up. I felt a rush of joy overcome me.

  “We’re just talking.” Mark answered. “We just want your friend’s number that broke our scooter.”

  “Oh yaa,” Jonsen replied, like he’d forgotten about the whole thing. “I got the craziest wood shop teacher,” Jonsen immediately changed the subject, “Superfinsky, I swear to god it’s only a matter of time before dude cuts his whole hand off.”

  “Bro, Superfinsky’s savage.” Mark replied.

  “He’s tight though, I had him last year.” Chris added.

  I was beaming, staring up at Jonsen, my giant, I couldn’t help it. They all talked awkwardly about woodshop for another minute or two until Jonsen and I took our leave.

  “Peace.” Jonsen yelled back to them as we walked away.

  What does that mean? Peace? I thought. Popular people make the dumbest things cool. I immediately hated it. What did peace have to do with social status?

  Jonsen asked me what I was doing after school. “Nothing man,” I answered excitedly, “I missed my bus.” Guys always acted so dully casual about everything, I hated that. Long ago I’d made it my personal mission to bring enthusiasm and charisma back to cool people dialogue. He asked me if I wanted to hang out, “Hell ya.” I responded. He told me he was going to Janae’s house.

  Janae, Janae? I was dumbfounded. I’d never seen her before, but there was one name that made anyone that was anyone shut up and pay attention, Janae Bryant. The most popular girl at Einstein. Everyone knew that.

  Loren was always mentioning Janae, his good friend. Janae had even told Loren the great secret to her flawless complexion; cum. Letting guys cum on her face. [1] I looked down the deserted hall, three 8th grade girls were the only ones left, they seemed to be waiting for us.

  [1] Eventually we realized Loren made most of what he said up. But he told the best stories.

  My brain started freezing up, getting stuck on repeat. I’m not cool enough to hang with them, I’m going to make a fool of myself. I need to run away. You’ve fought through this feeling countless times, I reassured myself, you always succeed.

  Step by step my feet followed Jonsen off my plank of anxiety. We walked over to Janae and her two sidekicks, Isa and Mia Illy.

  For all I noticed they might as well have been wearing garbage bags. I was into faces. Well-proportioned, unique cute faces. And these were three of the most beautiful faces I’d ever seen. It’s cruel that you can recognize such great beauty at such a young age.

  Janae and Isa were half asian, Mia was white and the least developed of the three. She was shorter with freckles and light brown hair. She was kind of a tomboy, loud, with a big Buddha smile that she used a lot. Isa was taller and slightly more Asian than Janae. She had a skinny face with a strikingly serious look glued on. Quieter, elegant and mysterious.

  Janae was the perfect combination of the two. All three had mischievous eyes.

  Janae, it was a movie star’s name. There were 20 Jennifers at Einstein and 20 Lisas, but only one Janae, one Jonsen.

  You don’t get to be Janae and Mia in middle school without a strong elementary school rep. Janae and Mia had both ruled their respective kingdoms, Highland Terrace and Sunset.

  One of Mia’s teachers had once failed her on a test, “You gross, ugly mother fucker, you disgust me. I swear to god I’m g
oing to make your life a living fucking hell if you don’t change my grade.” She’d been written up more times than anyone at Sunset. Listening to her swear, you got the impression she’d been swearing since three. Janae liked to swear at teachers too, but she also liked to give blowjobs, and overdose on pills during class. Janae and Mia had first met in 6th grade, on the ferry to a camp. One of Janae’s friends had been telling a story about Mia when, in usual Janae fashion, she spontaneously yelled out, “FUCK MIA ILLY.” So the whole ferry could hear it. Little did she know, Mia was sitting two isles away.

  “I’m Mia Illy, bitch. What the fuck is your problem bitch?”

  It was destiny. A year later, halfway through 7th grade, they became best friends. Janae being Janae brought her best childhood friend, Isa, to the partnership and all together they became known as “The Musketeers.”

  Always on the verge of laughter, they were masters at hiding their anxieties. But Jonsen was a king, he ran over and scooped Mia into the air, spinning her around before putting her down.

  “Sup, girllss” Jonsen said in his most teasing manner. “You tryin’ to kick it?”

  They all laughed. They got a kick out of Jonsen.

  “Uhhhhh.. Ya.” Janae answered. She drew “uh” out as if Jonsen’s question was obvious, then finished the subtle dis with her signature half-hearted bass cackle to ease the tension.

  “This is Marco,” Jonsen introduced me.

  I waved very non-threateningly, two steps back from the group. “Hey.”

  “What up,” they all chimed. They must be perplexed as to why Jonsen’s friends with me, I thought. They must think I’m really funny.

  “Missed my bus.” I gave an excuse for being in their presence.

  For a second Mia and I looked at each other and really saw each other. Number 2s see each other. I knew her pain, watching Janae hook up with the guys she loved. I saw the way Mia looked at Jonsen. Mia wouldn’t be a number 2 to anyone else but Janae.

  “Well Illy has to go to soccer, but me and Isa are going to Isa’s house to hang out.” Janae told us. “Her parents aren’t home.” I couldn’t believe this was happening.

  “Tight,” Jonsen replied.

  Mia left and the four of us began our walk through the empty school.

  This is more like it, I thought, I’m the shit, I always knew it. I kept hoping we’d run into someone I knew, some 7th graders. Even better, Robin. But Einstein was empty besides us.

  Janae and Isa told me I looked and sounded exactly like Matt Robinson, the 8th grader on my bus. I took it as a compliment, lots of people talked about Matt Robinson. Except I didn’t see the comparison because Matt had bleached blond hair and braces. They said it was my voice, it was squeaky and high pitched, just like Matt.

  As we got farther from the school I got more worried. We eventually stopped at a public bus stop. I’d never ridden a public bus by myself before. I imagined myself getting lost and having to knock on a stranger’s door for help.

  “How much?” I asked when I got on the bus. I didn’t even have any money.

  “I got you bro,” Jonsen said from behind me.

  We got on the empty bus and took our places across from Janae and Isa. Awkward silence. I tried to think of something good to say. My usual questions wouldn’t impress Janae. I couldn’t ask them if their parents were divorced. I couldn’t use my pimp routine. I had to think of something perfect. I positioned my lips to ask Janae if cum really cleared away pimples but then decided against it at the last second.

  “So, are you circumcised?” Janae asked me with a stone cold, studying look.

  I smiled. Well, well, I mused, the game begins.

  “Fuck that,” I replied passionately. I was uncircumcised and proud. My mom was strongly against circumcision. A trickle of confidence hit me, I got this.

  “So you are just like Matt Robinson.” They both shouted in unison before dying giggling.

  “Matt’s uncircumcised?” Jonsen asked, with a surprised look.

  “Ya. Janae tried to give him a BJ once,” Isa chimed in. “His penis was so small she couldn’t even do it. And it was uncircumcised. It looked like a small elephant.” Janae kind of scowled at Isa to keep up pretenses.

  Isa thought up something bright, “Hey that must be why Matt likes peanuts so much. Because his penis is a small elephant.” The pair grabbed each other in stiches, their mouths opened so wide their teeth stuck out like horses.

  It was a battle of overcoming anxieties, and in the face of their non-stop giggling at me and Matt I officially surrendered. I was thrown far, far away from my comfort zone. My penis was tiny and didn’t even have a single hair on it. And that was before I knew uncircumcised penises weren’t cool.

  “Peanuts?” Jonsen asked, puzzled.

  “Ya, when he came over he ate a whole bowl of peanuts,” Isa told us. This was not a good topic for me. I shifted into crisis mode. I didn’t even go into my usual passionate spiel against circumcision, and I truly loved debating circumcision. Jonsen was circumcised, he would listen to my rants about how most of the penis’ nerve ending are in the foreskin. An argument my uncle would always passionately make when the topic came up.

  “How big are your penises?” Janae asked, staring straight at me.

  My automatic reflex for this one kicked in.

  “Six…inches,” I regurgitated with my best poker face.

  “And you?” She turned to Jonsen.

  “Oh me? I’m small” Jonsen said with a serious face. “Probably two and a half inches when I’m hard. But it’s not about the size you know, it’s about what you can do with it.”

  They cracked up laughing. Jonsen let a big smile spread across his face. God he was brilliant. He probably had an 8 inch penis.

  I don’t remember the rest of the conversation that afternoon, I just remember my outfit. Blue sweater vest, dark green cargo pants. Short brown hair perfectly parted down the middle.

  When we got to Isa’s we sat on her couch and turned on the TV. It was a nice house. Jonsen and Janae sat next to each other, after a few minutes they were making out. Janae pulled her leg over his lap and started straddling him. Isa and I looked at each other and shared smiles. I was used to it now, so it bothered me a lot less.

  Jonsen picked Janae up into the air and then pushed her down on the couch with his weight as she attacked him with her mouth and hips. Then he started dry humping her through his boxers, slowly in a circle at first, then faster and faster. Soon he was dry humping the shit out of her, his skinny butt was moving up and down like a jack hammer. Eventually they went upstairs.

  Isa began doing the dishes. We didn’t say a single word to each other. I just pretended to watch TV and she washed dishes. Eventually they came down in a frazzled mess. Isa informed everyone that Jonsen and I had to leave because one of her parents was coming home soon.

  As soon as were out of the door Jonsen started going on and on, promising me Janae and him didn’t actually have sex. Confessing that he couldn’t get an erection no matter how hard he tried. I knew he was lying to me, because he didn’t want me to get upset like last time. He was babying me.

  He told me the story three times, he couldn’t get a boner so he just kept eating her out, trying to buy time while he tried to calm down. Every time he told it I became more and more certain he was making the whole thing up detail by detail in order to shelter me. Because he felt guilty for putting me in this situation again. I was so mad at him, not for having sex with Janae, but because he was now lying about it. [2]

  When Jonsen and I said bye that night we both knew our friendship was over. Jonsen didn’t say “peace” to me, he knew me too well. I was too far behind. I knew I’d have to catch up before we could be friends again.

  [2] In actuality, he was telling the truth and was genuinely worried and venting. Scared something was wrong with him, scared she would tell people.

  9. The Bottom (Fall, 2001)

  After Jonsen left me, it was a big fall to the bottom
. You don’t just make new life-partner, best-friends-for-life overnight. Under Jonsen’s wing I hadn’t nurtured very many friendships with kids my age, why bother, I was destined to hang out with the older kids (A true social mastermind learns it’s important to maintain as many relationships as possible, even if you only have the energy and patience for a simple conversation. You never know).

  My only other friend was Avi Miller (Duncan, too, but he was busy skyrocketing to popularity at Kellogg). Avi and I met in grade school, but, he was in the program for kids with smart parents dubbed “the highly capable” program. Avi was really smart, he knew a lot about all sorts of things. We could talk about history. More importantly, he listened to me with fascination as I talked about history. He also had a great sense of sarcasm and self-deprecation. But Avi had goofy, curly red hair and a big boney nose. Not cool. He didn’t care at all about fashion. Patterns, colors, size, none of it. He wore his dad’s old sweatshirts or just whatever. He was complex though because underneath his blasé clothing was a shimmering six pack. He was on a very serious gymnastics team–Oh ya, being a gymnastic star wasn’t cool either. Avi’s favorite thing to do was take his shirt off at any opportunity. I couldn’t even look at his stomach when he did, it made me so jealous.

  One friend, that was it. After school, I’d go over to Avi’s house and we’d watch MTV and make fun of the rap videos.

  “Did you hear that, Avi? He said “cut” instead of sex. That’s soo brilliant. Trick Daddy’s just smarter, Avi, how do you compete with that genius? He’s just better.”

  It wasn’t a terrible existence. Have you ever looked at a Magic card before? They’re orgasmic.

  But every morning at Einstein I got off the bus all too aware that Mia Illy was thinking about some guy that wasn’t me.